You are going to love this article. Neil Strauss gave me that tip during his “Running a Virus Scan on Your Mental Operating System” talk at the Fourth Annual Bulletproof Biohacking Conference. You want to prepare someone’s mind for a good time, but if you throw a “neg” in there, i.e. like something kind of negative or cautionary… they’ll reflexively go on the defensive. So, I had to lead in this piece like I just did before I tell you about shooting stem cells into your junk.

“Biohacking” is a computer hackers’ approach to health and fitness, medicine and the biological sciences undertaken by individuals and private groups of various sizes. This conference was hosted by arguably America’s only biohacking superstar, Dave Asprey. You may have drunk the coffee he’s popularized (grass-fed butter and high-grade MCT oil blended in organic, mold-free coffee), listened to his podcasts documenting his use of various supplements, hyperbaric and cryogenic chambers, light therapy… the list goes on and on. Basically, Dave Asprey has marketed himself as a human guinea pig. If he survives his experiments, he blogs, podcasts and ultimately, hopefully, comes up with a well-designed consumer product at the end. Thus came the Bulletproof Biohacking Conference, where ostensibly Asprey obscures some of the grosser bits of biohacking with a hastily constructed conference dividing wall and proceeds to present its bleeding edge to a few thousand mavericks ready to join in the fun. You want the best intravenous combo vitamin shot you’ll probably ever get? It’s just behind the curtain, mate.

Since the goal of most biohacking is to be more youthful, healthy and live longer, it sort of rules out that somewhat comforting, “someday I’ll die and all this annoying shit will be over” feeling that is a big part of most people’s lives. The crowd at this conference was having none of that. It was a good-looking crowd of Millennials and Gen Xer’s trying to squeeze out the good things in life promised to them, in the midst of a global economic system set-up against them.

On its surface, the three-day conference would seem to be mostly about athletic high performance, stem cell injections, and cutting edge vitamin supplements. However, relationship advice was Saturday main-stage material. It became clearly apparent to me: If you aren’t quite ready to die, you gotta hook up and reproduce. It really is so simple I can’t believe I hadn’t thought about it before.

Thus, suspiciously repentant author of the classic pick-up book, “The Game”, Neil Strauss, stole the show Saturday as he lectured a crowd of over-caffeinated, wannabe overachievers convinced they still haven’t experienced the perfect 30 minute orgasm. He rolled out a few zingers that would impress even the most well-adjusted, successfully self-medicated self-help junkies and then he dropped the bomb. I’m doing a disservice to his overall message by encapsulating it as, “get out of your own way you egotistical, self-absorbed, accidental narcissist” because it truly was more complex than that. Patiently, he simply and deftly explained with hasty chalk diagrams the formation of neural networks necessary for your survival and how they shape and perhaps aid or stymie your relationships in the present moment. It was quite good.

After Strauss’s talk, he was promptly mobbed by attendees clamoring for more. As he attempted to walk around the conference, it was like Socrates being followed by Plato and the Gang. Well, except that half of the dialogue was initiated by smokin’ hot “bulletproof betties” eager to pick the brain of the “master of The Game.”

Seeing no other way out, Strauss improvised a relationship salon under some shade trees outside the conference hall. There, he had the opportunity to concentrate on some attendees’ vexing problems.

For example: what if you were a member of a Northern California techno-music cult looking for “womb donors” at the Biohacking Conference and were having only limited success finding sign-ups? Even though, they would be featured on a forthcoming reality TV show marketed by the cult? After stroking his beard, looking at the ground for a pregnant pause that seemed an eternity, Strauss looked up and said, “Having a baby for a reality TV show is probably the worst reason I could possibly think of to have a child.”

Next up was John Gray, Mr. “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” himself. If you’ve read his book or seen his schtick during a PBS pledge drive, you know it’s a good time. He rolled out all the choice bits featured in his now 30-year old classic seminar lecture. He even did the bit where he examines an attendee’s purse as evidence of his theories. Frankly, for as entertaining as it was, it was sort of dated. He ended up going about 15 minutes over his allotted speaking time because he couldn’t pass up the sure-fire pizazz he’s developed over the years. If you were new to it, I know it was fun. But if you’ve been seeing this guy since the days of the Phil Donahue Show, you weren’t really learning anything new. Basically at the end he said, “Read my new book.” Every attendee did get a copy of his, “The Mars and Venus Diet and Exercise Solution” book for free though, so ultimately you have to give him props for delivering solid goods that you could roll with.

Stem cells were main stage material this year. Amazing developments were touted and prospects for healing a variety of physical discomforts and injuries look promising. Asprey then showed a video of himself getting injections in almost every area of his body, even his junk! He claimed it even made his equipment 20% bigger. That got a lot of attention. I just hope that Ron Jeremy doesn’t find out about this and ends up giving a presentation at next year’s conference. All joking aside, the stem cell info really was amazing and I definitely recommend non-attendees check out some of the more recent Bulletproof podcasts on the subject.

The other big deal this year was oxaloacetate, a nutrient that is great for clearing brain fog or calming the mental chatter when you’ve had too many cups of coffee. Bulletproof was giving out samples of their new product “Ketoprime” that featured this stuff, and it did the trick. I was drinking coffee non-stop during the conference and the Ketoprime definitely took the edge off quick. It should be available in coming months. In the meantime, if you’re looking for some good oxaloacetate, get Bulletproof’s “Aging Formula” which does roughly the same thing but not so abruptly and over the course of your day.

Actually, I almost spilled my early morning cup of coffee when the best relationship moment of the conference happened.  Longtime Bulletproofer Jonathan Brnak proposed marriage to Hideko Elizondo right on stage as Jonathan was touting the benefits of his involvement with the Bulletproof lifestyle. What initially seemed like a run-of-the-mill conference infomercial quickly morphed into, “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is freaking happening!” It’s awesome to see relationships blossom, especially in the midst of the burgeoning Bulletproof eco-system that I’ve been lucky enough to see sprout up in my hometown of Santa Monica.

And, whereas Jonathan definitely had help from his Bulletproof homies pulling this off, Hideko had no idea it was going down before it happened. It was truly awesome and I was proud to tell my friends at the conference I knew them both. If it wasn’t for Jonathan and Hideko, I wouldn’t have learned about Bulletproof. It was they, as former managers of the vanguard Santa Monica Bulletproof store, who suffered through my numerous questions, skepticism and frequent stretching of the coffee re-fill policy. So big-ups to Jonathan and Hideko! Here’s a video of how it happened…